apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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