dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
