It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
