I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
