Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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