the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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