so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
