Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
