why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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