Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
