If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
