Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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