yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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