it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
