I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
