Swine flu. Run for my life!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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