I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
