i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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