Sry I called you an 8
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
