The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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