Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
