ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
