saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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