my soul wont recognize me after tonight
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
