I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
