1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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