I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
