every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
