I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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