What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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