Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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