i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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