he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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