Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
