this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
