I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
