so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
