I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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