I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
