Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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