the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
There's always time for handjobs
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
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