I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
