Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
