rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
