I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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