$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
