I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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