I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
