Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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