I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
