I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
